Have you ever stopped to really take stock of the shocking and disturbing things Jesus teaches on the topic of family?
For instance, Jesus teaches “If any one comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). I don’t know about you, but this is not one of the commandments I learned growing up. At another point, when someone tells Jesus that his mother is looking for him, he responds by asking: “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers”? He then points to his disciples. “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of God is my brother, and sister, and mother” (Mark 3:31-35 NAB, cf. Matthew 12:46-50; Luke 8:19-21). I shudder to think of what would have happened if I said that about my own mother. What exactly do we do with these passages?
Let me suggest that another passage from the Gospels might offer us an interpretive key. When Peter tells Jesus that he and the other disciples have left everything to follow him, Jesus encourages them by saying, “there is no one who has given up house or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God who will not receive [back] an overabundant return in this present age and eternal life in the age to come” (Luke 18:29-30 NAB). In other words, when Jesus searches for an image of the riches of the Church, the people of God, the image that he lands upon is that of a great family. The “overabundant return” a person receives when leaving behind their family to follow Jesus is a new kind of family. Family is his promise.
So Jesus is not denigrating family after all, just emphasizing proper priorities; our families of origin are symbols, signposts pointing to an even greater family—our spiritual family, our family of destination. (It should also be noted that many times these two kinds of families can overlap!) This means, at the very least, that we should value our families of origin precisely because they are symbols and signposts, and we should expect to learn something about the Church by paying attention to them (and perhaps especially, by looking to the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what Pope John Paul II calls “the prototype and example for all Christian families”).1 The Church and the family should be examined side-by-side because they are mutually illuminating institutions—and indeed, the Church recognizes the family as a “domestic church,” and the Church becomes a family for any who are lonely.
So when we look to the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what can they teach us about our own families (whatever they look like), and about the Church? There are plenty, but let me suggest just three things.
First, the character of Mary and Joseph can teach us about being a good spouse, parent, and disciple. When Joseph discovers Mary is pregnant before they are married, and is convinced that she has cheated on him, he “decide[s] to divorce her quietly” in order not to expose her to shame—and the author of the Gospel of Matthew writes that this makes him a “righteous man” (Matthew 1:19 NAB). When an angel appears to him and tells him to go ahead with the marriage, he wordlessly obeys. When Mary hears from the angel Gabriel that she will become pregnant, she models perfect consent to the will of God: “may it be done to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38 NAB).
In Joseph, mercy and righteousness are not opposed, but go hand in hand; likewise in both Mary and Joseph, love and obedience are joined together. So it must be for all followers of Christ, and especially spouses and parents. Both parental and spousal love derive from God’s love for us: God is our perfect Father who takes care of us, and our perfect Lover who longs for us. It is God who empowers parents and spouses to love and to lead.
Second, the Holy Family can teach us about the ministry of families. Shortly after the angel Gabriel announces her pregnancy, Mary sets off to visit her relative Elizabeth (who had also become miraculously pregnant) and her husband Zechariah. When the two women meet, Elizabeth’s unborn child does a somersault and she cries out with words from the Holy Spirit: “Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb” (Luke 1:42 NAB)! After Jesus is born and Mary and Joseph bring him to Jerusalem to present him in the Temple, he is welcomed by Simeon and Anna, who rejoice over him as if he were their own. Decades later, when wine runs out at a wedding in Cana, Mary tells Jesus to do something, and Jesus acquiesces, miraculously turning great stone jars full of water into vats of excellent wine. In these stories, we see the Holy Family ministering to others.
The Church reminds us of the importance of families being “evangelizing communities”2 through which the gospel is shared—as a mirror of the Church and a “school of deeper humanity,”3 the family is in some ways especially suited to sharing the gospel’s community-transforming message. The Church also recognizes the particular role of families in ministering to other families and to those in need of family. Families themselves understand the particular joys and struggles of family life—so they can minister especially well to other families. And by inviting those without families to experience familial intimacy, we can help to fulfill the words of the Psalmist, who declares that “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6 NIV).
And third, the Holy Family can teach us about the role of parents and the dignity of children. Many of us are aware that procreation and raising children are central to the Church’s vision of marriage, and so marriage and family are bound up together. (Of course, this does not mean that those who for some reason or another cannot have children are somehow lesser, just that marriage, sex, and procreation are intimately connected.) But we can often forget that it is the rite and duty of parents not just to raise children, but also to form and educate them. In consenting to be born of the virgin Mary, Christ also consents to be raised by Mary and Joseph, to be formed and educated by them. Under their care, Jesus “advance[s] [in] wisdom and age and favor before God and man” (Luke 2:52 NAB). Parents have a particular role in cultivating wisdom and virtue in their children.
It is also important to note that children are not objects or opportunities for parents to live vicariously through them. Children have their own dignity as those made in the image of God. When Jesus is twelve years old and the Holy Family is leaving Jerusalem, Jesus lingers behind without his parent’s knowledge; when they return to look for him, they find him dialoguing with teachers in the Temple. “Why were you looking for me?” he asks when they confront him. “Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house” (Luke 2:49 NAB)? Parents must raise their children to know that, although they are to respect and obey their parents as Christ did his own, they have obligations first and foremost to God. As children “grow in wisdom and age and favor,” they must also grow in responsibility and learn to make their own decisions. While parents never cease to be parents, they do eventually cede much of their control. And even when children are under the authority of their parents, parents must recognize that children minister to them as well. Indeed, Christ lifts up children as models of ideal citizens of the kingdom of God: “Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14 NAB).
To sum up what we have learned: although Jesus seems at points to speak negatively about the family, in reality he assigns the family a crucial task: to be an image of the family of God, the Church. By looking to the Holy Family, “the prototype and example for all Christian families,” we learn much about the family and the Church. First, we learn the character of a disciple from both Mary and Joseph: merciful, righteous, loving, and obedient. Second, we learn about the role of families in ministering to others, especially to other families and to those without family. And third, we learn about the role of parents in forming and educating their children, and the dignity of children as image-bearers and models of the ideal kingdom citizen.
As we continue to reflect on the Holy Family (and seek their support in prayer), we may find ourselves learning even more from them. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, model of all Christian families, pray for us!
John Paul II, Apostolic Exortation Familiaris consortio, §86
Pope Paul IV, Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii nuntiandi, §71
Second Vatican Council, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et spes, §52