Notes: Coming Out in Community
On Embracing and Empowering LGBTQ+ People
Recently, I was honored to be invited by a local Catholic campus ministry to speak with student leaders about how to care for LGBTQ+ students on their upcoming retreat. What follows is an edited version of my notes.
So Jesus, perturbed again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay across it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the dead man’s sister, said to him, “Lord, by now there will be a stench; he has been dead for four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believe you will see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you for hearing me. I know that you always hear me; but because of the crowd here I have said this, that they may believe that you sent me.” And when he had said this, he cried out in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, tied hand and foot with burial bands, and his face was wrapped in a cloth. So Jesus said to them, “Untie him and let him go.” - John 11:38-44 NAB
The raising of Lazarus is one of my favorite passages in the New Testament (I have a little icon of Lazarus at home that my friend bought for me in Cyprus, where a tradition claims that Lazarus died the second time). Part of what I love about this story is that it can be understood as a powerful symbol of all the ways Jesus calls us out of our own experiences of death and brings us into new life—the ways in which we can “come out of the tomb.”
I want to suggest that the story also offers us wisdom on how to be a safe community in which people can “come out of the closet” and live openly and honestly. Now, to clarify: I am not saying that being a sexual or gender minority is like being in the tomb, or even that all sexual or gender minorities have had extraordinarily painful closet experiences. But what I am saying is that in engaging faith communities, sexual and gender minorities often feel apprehension about being open, and coming out feels risky. The closet, in this sense, is kind of like the tomb: it is not a place where people can experience abundant life. Tonight I want to offer three ways this story helps us, corresponding to the three commands Jesus gives at the tomb: “take away the stone,” “come out,” and “untie him and let him go.”
Take Away the Stone
The first command Jesus gives at the tomb of Lazarus is to the crowd: “take away the stone.” In order for Lazarus to be able to emerge from the tomb, the community must get rid of the obstacle in his way. In a similar way, in order for those in our communities to be able to come out of the closet and live openly and honestly, we must remove any obstacles that stand in their way. I have no exhaustive list, but these obstacles might include: the possibility of rejection or being shamed, or a lack of compassion or understanding. Also, many communities fear discomfort or awkwardness that can sometimes accompany coming out, and can unknowingly create an environment that puts obstacles in the way of vulnerability.
What might be some of the obstacles to vulnerability in your community?
Come Out
The second command Jesus gives at the tomb is to Lazarus: “come out!” Lazarus obeys Jesus and emerges from the tomb. This is the image that comes to mind for me when I think of coming out of the closet. It is important to say that coming out, for most people, is a continual process; each new relationship or community offers an opportunity to come out or not. Each moment of coming out can be sacred. For some who are open and settled in their identity, coming out is not a big deal at all; for others, a lot of hope and fear is riding on a moment of self-revelation. For some (like me) coming out feels like obedience to the call of Jesus. No matter what a person’s particular experience is, coming out necessarily involves a risk of rejection, whether great or small. We want those who come out to know that their vulnerability will be met with welcome and safety. I have a few tips:
First, if someone comes out to you, allow them to speak for themselves, in their own language. Some folks might like to use words like “same-sex attracted,” “homosexuality,” or “gender dysphoria,” while others use “gay,” “lesbian,” “bi,” “pan,” “Queer,” “trans,” etc. There is no “right” language.”
Second, try not to jump to conclusions about what they believe about theology or sexual ethics. There are a lot of ways people go about reconciling faith, sexuality, and gender, and the moment they come out to you is probably not the moment to get into a debate!
Third, match their energy. If someone comes out offhandedly, there is no need to act like it is a groundbreaking moment. But on the other hand, if someone pulls you aside and shares with a hushed whisper, you probably have to treat that moment with more reverence.
And fourth, do not betray confidence. If someone comes out to you privately, be aware that they might not have shared with others. You might ask them at the end of the conversation how open they are about this information, so you know how to move forward.
How do these strike you? Any thoughts, questions, or suggestions?
Untie Him and Let Him Go
The final command of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus is to the crowd again: “untie him and let him go.” Once Lazarus emerges from the tomb, he is still bound by burial bands. Jesus once again involves the community in untying and freeing Lazarus. In a similar way, once people come out, there is still often a period of learning how to feel comfortable in the community—especially for those who have come out for the very first time. This means that the community can help them grow in comfort and freedom.
I have a few ideas for what this “untying” could look like: it could involve assuring them that they are loved (implicitly, by including them, and sometimes explicitly as well), telling them that their vulnerability is a gift for which you are thankful, proving to them that they are not somehow second-class citizens, and convincing them that they have plenty of gifts to offer the community. We want anyone who encounters Jesus in this community to be able to dive deep into their personal relationship with him and grow in their ability to share their faith with others. Following Jesus is about becoming an intentional disciple, and inviting others to be intentional disciples as well.
People will be on various stages of a journey. Some will be more reserved, and will be on the lookout for indications that this community is safe. Some will risk coming out, and will feel vulnerable as they adjust to a new level of openness. Some will have already come out, and will be looking for ways this community can help them grow in freedom. Each person will need something slightly different—and people in all of these stages of coming out will be able to help others emerge from their own experiences of death.
How does your community support people seeking to grow in their faith?
Precious thoughts