What Exactly Is the Side B Project?

Well, it's complicated--and it depends who you ask.

Photo by Lorin Lindell on Unsplash

Okay, what follows is a fairly niche reflection on the nature of the so-called Side B community (sexual and gender minorities who submit to what is often called a “traditional sexual ethic”)¹, but before some of my readers who are not Side B (particularly my Side A friends) check out, let me say: I do honestly believe the conversation I describe here has something to offer you, too. I trust that will become clearer later on. For my Side B readers, I hope this reflection catalyzes a further conversation within our community, and I would love to hear your thoughts. I am attempting more of a description than a prescription, but of course, it will be impossible for me to be completely neutral in what follows; please keep that in mind. Without further ado, seven (or eleven, depending on how you count) theses on the Side B project:

1. There are several different accounts of what the goals of the so-called Side B community are supposed to be, and how they should be articulated and emphasized. The Side B community is not monolithic, and contains a significant amount of diversity; even referring to it as a “community” can sometimes give the false impression that we have more in common than we actually do. Because goals are so often implicit, Side B folks may assume we are all working toward the same things in the same way; our differences remain unspoken and inarticulate. The way I see it, some of the goals people might include in the Side B project are…

2. …de-stigmatizing Christian sexual and gender minority experience in the context of the Church. Homophobia and transphobia that makes it difficult for sexual and gender minorities to believe we are loved and to develop relationships with other people like us. Speaking openly about our experiences helps the broader Church grow in understanding and help sexual and gender minorities gain a sense of our dignity and know we are not alone. This de-stigmatizing work is something all Christian sexual and gender minorities (and those who love us!) can work on together—even if some of us approach this by thinking of our experience primarily as a struggle, and others primarily as an aspect of diversity.

3. …expressing faithfulness to historic Christian teaching on marriage, sexuality, and celibacy as sexual and gender minorities. More than sexual and gender minorities merely existing in the Church, some of us also strive to adhere to what is often called a “traditional sexual ethic” (because it fits with our reading of the biblical text, it is supported by tradition, it makes philosophical sense to us, or some combination of the three). Many of us do so because it has the ring of truth for us, and not just because we are afraid of the consequences if we do not. A lot of Side B folks want to make it more widely known that a “traditional sexual ethic” is actually being attempted by sexual and gender minorities, that it is an option, that many find it fulfilling—and that because we have spent so much time wrestling with it, we might have unique insights. Of course, this can be expressed in diverse ways, which affect tone and posture (for instance: by emphasizing returning to tradition, by emphasizing creative appropriation of tradition, by understanding it as in conversation either primarily with Side A theology or primarily with ex-gay theology, etc.).

4. …working to make what is often called a “traditional sexual ethic” more livable. While this “traditional sexual ethic” is challenging for everyone (although this depends on many factors), there is no doubt that sexual and gender minorities face unique challenges in living it out. We want desperately for it be more livable. But importantly, working for this also functionally helps build a better world for everyone, not just Side B people. Anyone (regardless of sexual ethic) can partner with us in…

   1. …challenging the idolatry of marriage and the nuclear family. Marriage should be embarked upon out of love, not out of fear. But a pervasive idolatry of marriage makes people feel like marriage is the only option for a fulfilling life—so they anxiously grasp at it, rush into it, or despair when it eludes them. Children should be pursued out of an overflow of love, not out of fear—and our extended families should ideally be a real part of our support networks. But idolatry of the nuclear family tells us that having children is the only way to have a fulfilling life, that we should keep more distant between from our extended family, and pushes us to despair when we are unable to have children for any reason. If we want to be able to live fulfilling lives without marriage and children, and if we want healthier marriages and families, we should challenge the idolatry that so greatly distorts them.² Married and celibate people can both challenge this idolatry of marriage and the nuclear family, but will necessarily do it differently.

   2. …increasing the value placed upon friendship and chosen family. Ideally, marriage and biological family are not the only relationships a person should be able to rely upon. Marriage has sometimes tended to be treated as a one-stop-shop to meet all relational needs, and biological family has sometimes tended to crowd out family that is discovered later in life, chosen, and built on shared commitment. But friendship is more essential to human beings than marriage (marriage is, after all, a particular kind of friendship, destined to diminish in importance in the resurrection, see Matthew 22:30). Friendship and chosen family can be just as sustaining and structuring as marriage and children—and sexual and gender minorities often know this best, because it is our friends and chosen family who often support us when biological family does not. Jesus himself offers surprising teaching on friendship and family that challenges our assumption that “blood is thicker than water” (see, for instance, Matthew 12:46-50, 19:27-30, Mark 3:33-35, 10:28–31, Luke 18:19-21, and John 15:12-15)

   3. …celebrating same-sex love and commitment. Same-sex love and commitment can often be viewed with suspicion. Zealous for (opposite-sex marriage) marriage and unable to appreciate the strength and stability of friendship, many struggle to value same-sex relationships as highly as we ought. Same-sex love and commitment are not only highly regarded throughout the biblical narrative (think of Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, Jesus and his disciples—especially the beloved one), but they also have a prominent place in Christian tradition, as the history of paired monasticism, sworn brotherhood (in the West), and brother-making (in the East) prove.

   4. …revealing the particular beauty, dignity, and diversity of celibacy. Jesus expresses a high estimation of celibacy (especially involving a lack of biological children) when he implicitly praises the “eunuchs who make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:12 NRSVUE); the apostle Paul expresses something similar about celibacy (especially involving going without a romantic or sexual partner) when he describes how it makes for unhindered devotion to God (see 1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Celibacy can involve great sacrifice, but can also offers many gifts, including mobility, the ability to give oneself fully to service, even more opportunities for relationships. Celibacy is not merely a lack, but a positive vocation alongside marriage (it can also be lived out in a diversity of ways, and how exactly it is conceived will affect how people go about celebrating it—partnered celibacy and celibacy in an intentional community is a pretty different experience than celibacy lived as singleness).³

5. …bringing the unique insights of sexual and gender minorities into the Church and/or developing a unique Side B subculture. Sexual and gender minorities do not merely have unique needs and challenges, but also unique perspective and gifts that can enrich the Church (and indeed, already have enriched the Church). Some sexual and gender minorities who submit to a “traditional sexual ethic”—a unique experience—have also been building a subculture: slang, art and literature,⁴ institutions. This is some of what I was getting at when I (perhaps too optimistically) claimed years ago that we were experiencing a “Side B Renaissance”. Not all Side B folks are as invested in this subculture, and Side B folks relate in a variety of ways to the broader LGBTQ+ culture.

6. …evangelization. This is implicit in some of the aforementioned, but I think it is worth highlighting. Sexual and gender minorities living out a “traditional sexual ethic” offer as a particular way of witness to the Gospel—and this can be directed to the non-Christian world and/or to the Church (because the Church herself must continually be evangelized). Approaches to this evangelization can vary widely, especially depending on the primary direction toward which it is faced.

7. There are plenty of ways that differences in emphasis and articulation of these goals can lead to tension or conflict among those who broadly agree on sexual ethics. This can only really be unpacked by taking it out for a spin, so here it goes. If someone, for instance, is especially committed to a conservative witness to a “traditional sexual ethic,” they might find themselves at odds with someone whose primary goal is to incorporate the insights of sexual and gender minorities into the Church. Someone who wishes to make a “traditional sexual ethic” livable through increasing an estimation for celibacy (lived as singleness and going without children) might struggle to relate to someone pursuing a celibate partnership or adoption. Those who wish to challenge the idolatry of marriage and the nuclear family through living out celibacy may struggle to relate to those who do so by pursuing a mixed-orientation marriage. Those who think of Side B as in conversation with Side A will often speak very differently than those who think of it as in conversation with ex-gay theology. Diverse rationale for our sexual ethics means diverse approaches to witnessing to them. And these are just a handful of the tensions I see!

Speaking directly to Side B folks now: we certainly have much to agree on, and I think a conversation within the Side B community about the goals with which resonate with each of us can be illuminating, helping us to see more clearly why and how we sometimes experience tension or conflict with each other. It might be helpful to reflect on the following questions:

1. How do I tend to speak of my own experience as a sexual or gender minority? As a struggle? As an aspect of diversity? As something else?

2. What exactly is included in the category of sexual identity for me? How important is sexual identity language for me in describing this?

3. What was most important to me in coming to my sexual ethics: the biblical text, Church tradition, natural law? A combination?

4. Do I tend to think of Side B primarily as a response to Side A theology, or primarily as a response to ex-gay theology? How does this play out?

5. Is my approach to Side B more characterized by a return to tradition or a creative appropriation of it? Both? How does this play out?

6. How do I feel called to challenge idolatry of marriage and the nuclear family? How does my vocation (marriage or celibacy) play into this?

7. How do I feel called to increase the value placed upon friendship and chosen family, and celebrate same-sex love and commitment?

8. How do I tend to think about celibacy? Primarily as a lack of a partner, primarily as a lack of children, as going without marriage and sex? Which forms of celibacy are most difficult for me to understand?

9. How do I tend relate to the broader LGBTQ+ culture? Do I feel mostly comfortable and at home in it? Estranged from it? Wary of it?

10. How important is developing a Side B subculture for me? Do I find myself resonating with expressions of this subculture? Which ones?

11. Do I tend to think of Side B as primarily about evangelization of the non-Christian world, or primarily of the Church? Both? How so?

12. Which of these goals loom largest for me? Which are less important?

13. How would I articulate these goals, and how might it differ from the way others do so? How can I speak of these goals in ways that reveal common ground with those who differ from me in approach or sexual ethics?

14. Are there any differences in approach to Side B not mentioned above? How do I see these differences play out? Where do I fall?

If you take the time to write out answers to these questions (and especially if you think of something I missed), I would love to hear from you!

1. Words are hard, and there are no perfect phrases to describe these differences in sexual ethics. In LGBTQ+ Christian spaces, “Side A” and “Side B” have come to refer to two positions on sexual ethics, the former involving the belief that same sex sexual activity is licit under certain circumstances, the latter involving the belief that sexual activity should be reserved for marriage between a man and woman. The phrases “Side A” and “Side B” are jargon, “conservative” and “progressive” do not quite fit, and longer phrases are clunky. In this piece, I settled for using “Side B” along with the explanatory phrase “what is often called a ‘traditional sexual ethic’” in order to subtly recognize that the phrase “traditional sexual ethic” is not unproblematic. I ask for your grace! If you want to learn more about the history and meaning of the terms “Side A” and “Side B,” I wrote about that as a part of a series on celibate gay Christian spirituality here.

2. If you want to read a tongue-in-cheek how-to guide on cultivating idolatry of marriage and sexual activity, I have written one for you here.

3. A lot more can be said! If you want to think more about the nature of celibacy and diversity of its expressions, you can check out some theses about it here.

4. Shameless plug: one of the platforms which I hope will be able to facilitate even more creative expression from the Side B community is A Side B Collective, a writing collective of Side B folks with whom I write. Check it out!